With circumspect steps as we pick our way through
This intricate world, as all prudent folks do,
May we still on our journey be able to view
The benevolent face of a dollar or two.
For an excellent thing is a Dollar, or two;
No friend is so staunch as a Dollar, or two;
In country or town,
As we stroll up and down,
We are cock of the walk, with a Dollar or two.
Do you wish to emerge from the bachelor-crew,
And a charming young innocent female to woo?
You must always be ready the handsome to do,
Although it may cost you a Dollar, or two.
For love tips his darts with a Dollar, or two;
Young affections are gained by a Dollar, or two;
And beyond all dispute,
The best card of your suit
Is the eloquent chink of a Dollar, or two.
Do you wish to have friends who your bidding will do,
And help you your means to get speedily through?
You'll find them remarkably faithful and true,
By the magical power of a Dollar, or two.
For friendship's secured by a Dollar, or two;
Popularity's gained by a Dollar, or two;
And you'll ne'er want a friend
Till you no more can lend,
And yourself need to borrow a Dollar, or two.
Do you wish in the Courts of the Country to sue
For the right or estate that's another man's due?
Your lawyer will certainly remember his cue,
When his palm you have crossed with a Dollar, or two.
For a lawyer's convinced with a Dollar, or two;
And a jury set right with a Dollar, or two;
And though justice is blind,
Yet a way you may find
To open her eyes with a Dollar, or two.
Do you want a snug place where there's little to do,
Or at Government cost foreign countries to view?
A contract to get, or a patent renew?
You can make it all right, with a Dollar, or two.
For merit is proved by a Dollar, or two,
And a patriot's known by a Dollar, or two;
Civil service rules:-Oh, oh!
They're all humbug, you know;
Just use with discretion a Dollar, or two.
If a claim that is proved to be honestly due,
Department or Congress you'd quickly put through,
And the chance for its payment begins to look blue,
You can help it along with a Dollar, or two,
For votes are secured by a Dollar, or two,
And influence bought by a Dollar, or two;
And he'll come to grief
Who depends for relief
Upon justice not braced with a Dollar, or two.
Do you wish that the Press should the decent thing do,
And give your reception a gushing review,
Describing the dresses by stuff, style and hue?
Hand Jenkins in private a Dollar, or two.
For the pen sells its praise for a Dollar, or two,
And squirts its abuse for a Dollar, or two,
As contractors sell votes,
And the banks discount notes,
That are not worth a damn, for a Dollar, or two.
Do you wish your existence with faith to imbue,
And to become one of the sanctified few?
To enjoy a good name and a well-cushioned pew,
You must freely come down with a Dollar, or two.
For the Gospel is preached for a Dollar, or two,
Salvation is reached by a Dollar, or two;
Sins are pardoned, sometimes,
But the worst of all crimes
Is to find yourself short of a Dollar, or two.
General Albert Pike
*Full title: AN AUNCIENTE FYTTE
Pleasaunte and full of Pastyme of
A DOLLAR OR TWO.
From "Lyrics and Love Songs" by Gen. Albert Pike
Edited by Mrs. Lillian Pike Roome, daughter of the author.
Little Rock, Arkansas, Fred W. Allsopp, 1916