George Bushís Secret Letter to Iran

When President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran broke recent precedent and wrote a letter directly to President George Bush of the United States, the public was told that the letter was ignored and no response would likely be forthcoming.  This reporter has learned through leaks out of Hollywood, of all places, that, like the story of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the report was not true.  Actually, the President has already responded secretly in his own inimitable way.  Here is a copy of that letter, which one of our relatives, who is an aspiring actress, was able to obtain: 

Dear President Ahmadinejad,

I am in receipt of your letter of May 9.  I want to tell you that if you thought you would impress me with all that theology stuff, youíve got another think coming.  You remind me of that 15 year-old girl down in Alabama, invoking the name of Jesus so much.  What do either of you know about Jesus of Nazareth?  Sheís just a child, and youíre a bearded Muslim extremist and the leader of a country of fanatics who call our wonderful democracy ďthe Great Satan.Ē  

I know lots of preachers, and I often go to them for advice.  They have assured me that as long as theyíre just wars, I can start as many of them as I want.  

See, two can play that theology game.  Iím sure you donít like to hear it, but thereís no way that a war against an ďaxis of evilĒ country like yours wouldnít be a just one.  Afghanistan wasnít even on the axis list, but my preacher friends gave me the go-ahead. What did you expect me to do?  That stupid Mullah Omar kept insisting that I come up with some concrete evidence that Osama bin Laden was behind 9-11 before he would turn him over to us.  How ridiculous!  We had to attack and put an end to that. 

Saddam Hussein was a torturer and a killer who even gassed his own people.  You agree that itís a good thing that heís no longer in power, but Iíd expect a little more gratitude from you toward the person who took him out.  

And another thing, I really donít like your attitude toward Americaís great friend and ally in the Middle East, Israel.  Iíd be careful what I say about them if I were you.  You know what it says in the Bible, ďHe that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.Ē  When the Israelites took back their land from the Canaanites, God approved, didnít he?  So why wouldnít He approve now that theyíre taking back lost land once again, this time from the Arabs?  Sounds to me like you people are just sore losers.  Why donít you just give up and let the Israelites finish the job?  

I didnít appreciate it at the time, but one of our White House correspondents, Bill Koenig, has set me straight on the kinds of things that can happen to you when you cross Godís chosen people.  This is from an advertisement for his book, Eye to Eye, Facing the Consequences of Dividing Israel:

What do these major record-setting events have in common?

All of these major catastrophes transpired on the very same day or within 24-hours of U.S. presidents Bush, Clinton and Bush applying pressure on Israel to trade her land for promises of "peace and security," sponsoring major "land for peace" meetings, making major public statements pertaining to Israel's covenant land and/or calling for a Palestinian state.

Are each one of these major record-setting events just a coincidence or awe-inspiring signs that God is actively involved in the affairs of Israel?

In this book, Bill Koenig provides undeniable facts and conclusive evidence showing that indeed the leaders of the United States and the world are on a collision course with God over Israel's covenant land.

"And it shall come to pass in that day, that I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem." -Zechariah 12:9 

Compared to those of us American presidents, your offenses are pretty much off the chart.  Youíve probably already become way too identified with opposition to Israel for your own good, but Iím going to give you one last chance.  This letter has been taken to a Cabala practitioner, and a Pulsa diNura ceremony has been performed over it (Iím pretty sure it will work even though the American actress/singer Madonna was the only professed Cabala person we could find.).  If you keep your tongue and your pen in check in the future, and you send this letter to ten other world leaders within 24 hours, you can continue to live in peace.  If you do not, donít blame me for what happens to you or your country.  I canít say exactly what those consequences might be, but hereís a list of people who I am told failed to follow the instructions on similar letters:  Foreign Minister Anna Lindh of Sweden, rising politician Juergen Moellemann of Germany, Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin of Israel, Former Prime Minister Rafiq Hariri of Lebanon, and our country's former Secretary of Defense James Forrestal.  Prime Minister Tony Blair of the United Kingdom, on the other hand, always sends these letters along religiously.  You may draw your own conclusions.

Sincerely,

George W. Bush,
President of the United States and Leader of the Free World

 


David Martin
May 15, 2006

For more investigative reporting, see "Bin Laden's Home Video: The Missing Portion."

 

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